You Make Me Tremble Read online

  Once the chicken and onions were browned, Iris added some broth and the rest of the ingredients and put the casserole dish in the oven. Soon the whole house would smell like a Greek diner. Iris smiled and put the finishing touches on the dining room table while she waited for people to arrive. This meal wouldn’t be going into the freezer, but would be enjoyed tonight. Another example of Casey’s influence on her.

  She put bowls and crumbly feta and fresh parsley on the table. Jazz would be bringing salad and baklava to complete the meal. Instead of packing away food for a just-in-case emergency, Iris would be sharing what she had prepared with Leo and Agatha, Jazz, and Sean and his wife.

  Iris got in the shower, ever mindful of Casey’s absence. She and Casey would have had fun tonight, planning a meal for friends and sharing the evening with them. And once everyone had left, they would have had their own party, just the two of them, celebrating each other.

  Iris shut off the water and hugged her towel to her damp body. She wasn’t only missing Casey, but she was mourning the loss of what they could have been. She had to pull herself together and get on with her life. She couldn’t be like her parents, living every moment with the hollowness of a ghost next to them.

  Iris sat on her bed, still naked, and faced what she had to do. She claimed she lived in the present, but her childhood had made her adopt the philosophy—or excuse—of not expecting more or hoping for more. She needed to break the pattern, and the loss of Casey was the catastrophe she needed to make her do so.

  She peeked at the past with one of those sideways glances of the mind, not prepared to face everything head-on, but ready to start. Her childhood was what it was, and she’d never be able to change it. When she looked further along, at her college days and her decision to move to the island, she found herself looking with Casey’s eyes. The choice to come here might have presented itself without her actively searching for it, but she had made the gutsy move of jumping on the opportunity. Even though she had often lamented her lack of ambition to go far and do more, she had, as Casey put it, gone deep. She had no regrets about coming to the shelter and no desire to leave for more than a vacation at a time.

  And the future? She had equated hope with unhappiness somehow. If she looked for more, it meant she wasn’t satisfied with what she had. Could she accept the idea of having dreams and still being happy where she was? She thought so. Her poems were winging their way across the country now, carrying the secret hope that they’d be valued by others. And if they weren’t? She could live with that, too.

  Iris got off the bed and finished drying herself. She chose a pair of comfortable slacks and a purple shell and cardigan combination and put them on. As far as love went, she was going to have to live in the past a little longer. What she had with Casey was too much, too wonderful, too beautiful to forget right away. They hadn’t spent much time together in terms of hours and weeks, but they had, in their own way, gone deep there as well.

  Iris would keep the memories, live with the sadness as long as she needed to, and then she’d move forward. She wasn’t sure what direction she would take, but she wanted to feel love again. Maybe Casey would be ready eventually…

  Maybe, maybe. Iris had avoided maybes all her life, but now she welcomed the relief they gave. The short word was long on hope.

  She heard a knock at the door and stepped out of her introspective mood and into the role of host and friend. Jazz came first, filling the house with as much flavor and brightness as the scent of Iris’s cooking. Iris couldn’t possibly be mopey around her for long. Sean and Jeannette came soon after, and once Leo and Agatha saw the cars arriving, they’d made the short trip from their own house.

  Iris got everyone drinks, and then went into the kitchen to check the chicken. She turned away from the oven and gave a shriek of surprise to find Leo standing directly behind her.

  He laughed. “I did that one on purpose,” he said.

  “Seriously, I’m getting that cat bell,” Iris warned him, but she laughed as she spoke. Her expressions whenever he snuck up on her must be amusing.

  His voice changed to a more serious tone. “How are you, Iris?”

  She shrugged. Normally, she would have answered with a dismissive phrase to prove she was untouched by what had happened. Fine. Doing great, thanks! “I miss her, Leo,” she said instead. “All the time. But I’ll get better.”

  “Of course you will. She already made you better in some ways, too, even though she wasn’t here long.”

  Iris thought about her poems and listened to the laughter coming from the living room. “Yes, she did.”

  He gave her shoulder a squeeze and left the kitchen. Iris barely had time to check the roasting potatoes, fragrant with bright olive oil and herbs, before Jazz had taken his place.

  “Are you going to ask how I’m doing, too?” Iris asked, spearing a potato with a fork to check its tenderness. “Tonight’s answer is I’m sad, but I’ll get better.”

  Jazz grinned and perched on one of the stools next to the counter. “We care about you, so be prepared to be pestered. Jeannette is next on the list to take you aside with a consoling hug and some kind words.”

  Iris leaned against the counter and handed Jazz the fork with the roasted potato speared on the end. “I appreciate it. It’s like my greeting cards have come to life and are following me through the day, reassuring me and offering words of encouragement.”

  “Mm. These are delicious! If we’re cards come to life, we’ll have to start speaking in verse,” Jazz said. She cleared her throat and spoke in a booming voice. “Roses are red, violets are lazy, find someone else, and forget about Casey.”

  Iris laughed at the silly words, but Jazz must have seen her heart breaking at the same time. She got up and hugged her tightly, squeezing the breath right out of her. “I’m teasing, darling. In a way. You will find someone because you’re too great a catch to be alone. I have some ideas in mind once you’re ready to move on. Or maybe you hope she’ll come back someday?”

  Hope. “I guess I do,” Iris admitted. “I want her back. Maybe someday I’ll contact her again, see if she’s okay, at least. And maybe, someday…”

  Iris felt a lightness inside when she finished speaking. It felt good to have hope, even if it might not come true. Acknowledging it instead of letting it fester inside and make her bitter. Sharing her pain with friends instead of dealing with it alone.

  “She went with me to a home check near Victoria when she was here,” Iris said, watching Jazz go to the oven and snag another tiny red potato. She remembered every nuance of the day, from the taste of chutney to the sight of Casey’s tense expression when Sean had her fly the plane. She especially remembered coming home to the bungalow, but she had to push those thoughts away before she turned a horrific shade of red in front of company. “The family’s teenage son was grieving because his childhood pet had died the year before, and he was really struggling with the idea of having another dog in the house. Casey went out of her way to talk to him and try to help him find a way to accept the new animal.”

  “Did she help?” Jazz asked around a mouthful of potato.

  “Yes. I brought Blackjack to his new home last week. I showed the boy, Chris, some photos of what he looked like when he first arrived at the shelter and told him how Blackjack had been treated. It’s what Casey had already done—getting him to focus on the new dog and how much he needed to be loved rather than on his own feelings of guilt and grief. Blackjack went right over to him the moment we arrived, and Chris really seemed happy to have him there.”

  Iris got a serving bowl and put the potatoes in it before Jazz ate them all. “Casey asked me to let her know how it went when I took him to his new home, and I’ve been thinking of sending her a note and a picture I took of the family. Chris has a big smile on his face, and Blackjack is right at his side.”

  Jazz smiled. “I remember the first day she came, looking kind of huffy about being on the island and having all the hotels closed. Sh
e was closed, too. Hurting. This place was good for her, but mostly it was you who healed her. She just needs some time to realize she can be happy, because it scares her, just like it did for that young Chris.”

  Iris nodded. She’d give Casey time, and then she’d try to get back in contact with her. If nothing worked, she’d move on, but she had to at least give her relationship with Casey one more chance. And maybe Casey would eventually be ready to be with Iris.

  Maybe.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Casey stood near the railing as the ferry left the last dock before heading to San Juan Island. The wind tousled her hair, but she had managed to make the time to get it cut before coming here. Every once in a while, she caught herself swiping at her bangs even though they were no longer in her eyes.

  She had changed in more ways than the length of her hair since the last time she had been on one of these ferries. Then, she had stayed in her truck, rocking slightly as she’d tried to press down the grief she felt after having Chert torn away from her. And from tearing herself away from Iris. Life was going to be painful sometimes, but she didn’t have to make it worse by refusing to form any attachments at all. She’d learned the lesson the hard way, during nights spent thinking about how much it would have comforted the child-Casey to have been able to keep her dog, some small part of her mother.

  When Casey had first come to the island to study the effects of the quake, she had fought to keep detached from the beauty around her and from the fiery Iris. She had been coming here to observe. To stand outside and look in. She had been heading into exile, but now she hoped she was heading home.

  The ferry slowed as it entered the harbor, and Casey took one last look around before heading to her truck. The scenery looked the same, with white specks of gulls floating on the surface of the water and hovering in the air as they made wind currents visible. The water was the same blue-gray it would be until the weather shifted and the near-constant cloud cover blew away. The smells of diesel and salty air vied for dominance, and the fuel was winning as the engines churned and fought to keep the ferry at a slow pace. Even from a distance, though, Casey noticed a major difference in the harbor.

  People. Everywhere she looked. Families stood along the pier, with children bundled in thick coats and wrapped in scarves. Pedestrians were moving up and down the hill leading away from the dock, their movements chaotic and unpredictable as they darted in and out of buildings. Casey had come to love the quiet atmosphere of the post-earthquake San Juan Island, but she appreciated what she was seeing now even more because she understood what the revival of tourism meant for Jazz and the other business owners in town.

  Casey got in her truck and drove off the ferry, passing a long line of waiting cars as she left the water behind and headed inland. She went by the Thai fusion place and decided she would take Iris there sometime. If Iris forgave her, of course.

  Casey didn’t like contemplating what a huge if led that sentence. She had turned her back on Iris, and Iris had every right to be angry. Casey would do whatever it took, for however long it took, to get Iris to forgive her. She’d start right away, with an apology and as much of an explanation as Iris would be willing to hear. She needed Iris in her life.

  Casey headed directly to the shelter and parked at the edge of the lot, near the main road. She didn’t want to see anyone but Iris yet, until they had a chance to talk, so she parked out of the line of sight of Leo, Agatha, and the kennels. Iris’s car wasn’t in its usual parking spot, but Casey knocked on the door anyway, anxious to see her. She paced along the front walk for about ten minutes before she decided to go to the bungalow. She fished the spare key out of the hanging basket by the porch and let herself in.

  She stood in the hallway and blinked to let her eyes adjust to the lighting and to give herself time to pull herself together again. There was no Chert to come running to her side with a floppy-tongued smile. The scent of Iris’s cooking was gone, as was the faint hint of sweet smokiness from nightly fires and the more pungent odor of Chert baking the wetness from the sea out of his furry coat. Casey blinked back tears. She still felt the hollowness inside when she thought of the dog, but this time she wanted to run to Iris for comfort. Not away from her.

  She finally was able to walk deeper into the house. The baby gate was still in place, but it had been covered with a piece of cardboard, presumably to keep kittens from slipping between the slats and escaping from the room. Casey stepped over the gate and went to the closet, where the gray cat surprised her by getting up from the cushy blanket and coming over to her, rubbing against her calves and purring in her loud, mechanical-sounding way. Casey knelt to pet her, and then she turned her attention to the kittens.

  They were swarming around the closet with staggering gaits and bright open eyes. Casey tentatively reached out to pet the little calico. The kitten purred in response, with a sound that seemed too loud for her tiny body to produce, and she tripped over the edge of the carpet in her attempt to get closer to Casey. She picked her up and held her carefully against her body with both hands, rubbing her cheek against the warm fur with a sigh.

  “What are you doing here, Casey?”

  Iris’s voice made her jump. She must be taking stealth lessons from Leo. Casey put the kitten gently back with her brothers and sisters and stood up slowly. She heard the wariness in Iris’s voice and she wanted to earn her trust again, but she suddenly forgot all the speeches she had been rehearsing over the past week while she made arrangements to return to the island. She hadn’t made hotel reservations, though, because she’d hoped Iris would welcome her back here. Maybe she should have had a backup plan, because Iris didn’t look ready to jump into her arms just yet.

  “I should never have left.”

  Iris just watched her, with a neutral expression on her face. Casey would have preferred happiness, or even anger. Something besides the distant look she was receiving.

  “I hadn’t realized how torn up I would feel about Chert until those people came for him. I couldn’t handle feeling so much, and I ran away. I’m sorry.”

  Iris shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest. “You hurt me, too, while you were protecting yourself. You knew you were leaving the island, and that he might have a family waiting for him. Either way, you were going to have to say good-bye to him.”

  Casey sighed. She seemed to be getting nowhere. She hadn’t realized how selfish she had been, walking out on Iris. She might have reasons for behaving like she had, reasons she could trace back to the time when she was wrenched away from her home and sent to Chicago to live with her father, but excuses and reasons wouldn’t work here.

  “I don’t blame you if you don’t want to forgive me. But be prepared, because I’m not going away again. I’ll keep hounding you until you take me back because I love you, Iris.”

  Her last words were spoken so quietly, she wasn’t sure if Iris heard them except for the subtle shift in her expression as her eyes widened slightly and her lips parted in a look of surprise.

  “You’re not going away? That’s going to be one hell of a commute.”

  Casey shook her head and brushed absently at her short bangs. “My commute is twenty minutes away. The lab has an affiliate substation on Lopez. I got the job there.” Iris still didn’t speak, so Casey kept talking. “It’s mostly part-time, unless there’s significant seismic activity, which I hope there isn’t because I love you and these animals and the community here. See? Even uncaring geologists can change.”

  The corner of Iris’s mouth quirked up in a small smile. “I don’t know. What if you need extra hours one month? Will you start praying for an earthquake to study?”

  Casey felt a little more optimistic at the return of Iris’s playful side. She ventured a step closer. “I’ve got enough savings to help me through for a long time. Plus, I’m working on a project inspired by you. I can use the extra time for it.”

  Iris seemed to struggle internally, with her curiosity winning the ba
ttle. “What kind of project?” she eventually asked.

  “I’m writing a book about geology for non-geologists. I want to capture the wonder and amazement I feel when I look at formations and can read the history of the earth in them. I want to share my passion, because I loved sharing it with you.”

  Iris smiled all the way. “And I loved hearing about your rocks and their stories. It’s a great idea, Casey. You inspired me, too, you know. I’ve sent some of my poems to magazines.” She shrugged. “We’ll see.”

  Casey grinned in response, and she wasn’t sure whether she felt elated because she’d had some influence on Iris, too, or because she was sensing the return of their camaraderie. She thought about how close she had come to losing her completely, just because she was too weak to handle the depth of emotion she felt between them. Never again, she vowed, would she try to escape her love for Iris.

  She moved forward and put her arms around Iris, hugging her tightly. The hint of lavender in Iris’s hair, the softness of her cheek as she rubbed it almost imperceptibly against Casey’s, and the glorious feeling of Iris’s body pressed against hers combined to wrap her in a haze of love and gratitude.

  Her poet. Her beautiful, talented poet who was finally ready to risk sharing her creations with the world. “Look at you, being all hopeful for the future,” she whispered into Iris’s ear. “I’m proud of you.”

  Iris finally raised her arms and returned the hug. “I’ve been hoping for a lot of things, Casey. I hoped I’d hear from you again. See you again. But I never dared hope that you’d come back here to stay.”

  Casey stepped back because she wanted to look Iris in the eyes. “I came here for you. I want to be part of life here, on the island and in your shelter, but I am here because of you.”

  Iris raised her hand and stroked Casey’s cheek. “And I was here, waiting for you.”

  She brought her other hand up and cupped Casey’s face between her palms. She brushed her thumb across Casey’s lower lip, making her body tremble in response. “I love you, too.”